If I were able to take one of my worries away completely in an instant, it would be fear of death, because...

I don't want to die. I want to live forever. Or more precisely, I want to live to see my nephews as little old grey haired men with wrinkles with their grandchildren running around them. Let's be honest though. If I were to live that long, I probably wouldn't be able to see them clearly and my hearing would likely be muffled. Also, I would probably not have the strength to pick the little grandbabies up anyway, BUT I would have candy in my pocket for them. 

I don't know what scares me more - the dying part or the not being here to love/see my family. 

What happens when we die? Some people think we just stop working, all thought and consciousness and everything just stops and turns to dust. Often these people I meet are scientists. They tell me I have to convince them there is something after death. When I tell them to convince me there is no spirit or afterlife they say that is not how it works. They do not have to convince me there isn't anything. Often they believe in possible life on other planets, but not any kind of existence after our mortal bodies die. I always promise to come back and haunt them. They typically just shake their heads and laugh at me. 

So, what does happen when the body gives out. Does our energy move back into the universe. Do we become part of the things around us? I wonder where Dad went. Is a part of him still with me? Did his spirit and energy disperse into the air around us? Did he go to "Heaven" or some other place to wait for us to meet him? If so, who else will be there? 

I wonder if he was scared the day he died. Did he realize at the end what was happening? Did he go peacefully? Was there fear or pain? Mom said he had a far off look in his eye and was staring off like he was looking at something. In my heart, I want to believe he was seeing all the family and friends who went before him. People like his cousin Pauline, whom Dad adored, his favorite uncle Herb, or Uncle Gene. His Grandmother Rickard who was mean to everyone except my dad. Then again he was kind enough to give her a great-granddaughter born on her birthday - ME! Was Grandma and Pap Crook there waiting? Did Grandma have some of her famous Veggie Soup waiting for him? 

I am not ready to find out what lies on the other side just yet. I still have things to do, people to help. So I continue to live with this anxiety. I read. I educate myself on possibilities. I study different cultures and explore various beliefs. I do my best to find comfort in what I learn and I pray that when my time comes that I am ready. 

For now I take time every day to make sure my family and friends know how much I love them. I want them to know that even after my body gives out my spirit won't. Just listen for the wind. Notice the smell of cinnamon in the air. Listen to the leaves rustling in the wind. That will be me telling you how much I love you and I am waiting for the day we are together again.