When A Parent Dies
When a Parent Dies: Navigating the Tremendous Loss
This post was meant to be published on November 16th. That would have been my father’s 77th birthday. I tried to meet the deadline I set for myself, but life sometimes doesn’t work out the way you hope. The pain of remembering him that day was too much. So I put this post off until I was ready. Some people may have said, “oh well” and just moved on and forgot about it. Or blamed themselves for being “weak.” I had neither thought. I have learned grieving does not follow the rules. It ebbs and flows and I am (sometimes) just along for the ride.
Losing a parent can be an unbearable thing. It can be an experience that shakes the very foundation of one's being. The loss ripples through your life. It can leave a hole that seems impossible to fill. As you are thrust into this journey of grief and healing, it is essential to acknowledge the uniqueness of your experience. The most important thing to remember – there is no right or wrong way to process the death of a parent.
The death can be a shock, regardless of whether they had been ill or not. I do not know if there is really anyway to “prepare” yourself for this life event. The death may leave you feeling numb. It may feel as if the ground beneath your feet has fallen away and you have been cast into a yawning pit. A death can come with a range of emotions, from disbelief and anger to sadness and sorrow. It is important to give yourself permission to feel all those feelings without judgment. These intense emotions are an important part of the grieving process. You cannot always go around them, under or over them. They cannot always be avoided. Sometimes, you will simply have to push through to the other side.
Grief does not have timeline. It can be unpredictable and the path can be winding, filled with peaks and valleys. The journey of grief is different for everyone. No two are alike. Some may find solace in talking openly about their loss. Others may prefer to retreat into solitude. Friends, family, or even professional counseling can provide a safe space to express your emotions and work through the pain. Remember, seeking support is not a sign of weakness but instead an act of self-care.
Some people may be burdened by regrets or unresolved issues. You may worry there was no closure. These thoughts and feelings an intensify the struggle. It is important not to dwell on what could have been or entertain the "what ifs." You cannot change the past. You can focus and acknowledge the connection you had with your parent and find ways to honor their memory.
During this difficult time, self-care becomes paramount. It will be important to engage in activities that bring comfort. These can include walking in nature, journaling, practicing mindfulness or engaging in prayer. Spirituality can play a large role, as can your beliefs about what happens after someone dies. It is also essential to take care of your physical health. It may be difficult, but do your best to maintain a proper diet, get adequate rest, and seek medical support if necessary. Don’t be afraid to take a “mental health day” if you need one.
Remind yourself often that healing is a gradual process. It is okay for you to feel the pain for as long as it takes. You are in control of the grieving process. There is no right or wrong way. Cherish memories, celebrate their life, and ponder the lessons they taught you. The loss of a parent can leave a void in your life that cannot be filled. However, the love and connection you shared can continue to inspire, guide, and shape your life.
I am not an expert on grief and loss. I only know how my journey has unfolded since that fateful day March 13, 2022. I will forever miss my father. And every year on November 16th, I will look up at clouds and wish him A Happy Birthday. Then I will have some ice cream in his honor. (He always did love his ice cream.)
Peace and Light,
Susan